Tag Archive | church

9 Seconds! Make a call – Save a Life

Feb22

42767There was very little conversation being had in church about Domestic Violence. We talked about dating, marriage, tithing, stewardship and spiritual gifts. Pause –if you read the pervious 2 sentences at a normal pace, that was about 9 seconds. As I was saying…There was a ministry for everything from the church van to the community concerns (Candle Night out) but no one was talking about the black eye the Sunday School teacher often had. (9seconds). We were told ‘you are fearfully and wonderfully made’ but our young men and women weren’t reaffirmed in their self esteem in our Sunday School or Youth Group to know what that means. (9 seconds) We sang Jesus loves me, but when it came to it – did we know how that love had different meanings in each home? (9 seconds).  Domestic violence comes in many forms (physical, emotional, sexual, financial, elder abuse) and over 10 years ago a 501c3  (9 seconds) organization-Preciouslyfe was formed to boldly have a faith based conversation about it. (9 seconds) Preciouslyfe (Now My Tattered Brim) continues to work, speak, encourage and pray for change, education and awareness of abuse. (9 seconds)

Be aware and have the conversations. The first National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, released on December 14, 2011, reveals the alarming magnitude of domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking and dating violence in America. In the time it took to read the first paragraph of this post- according the US Justice Department – about 7 people  were victims of domestic violence. Do the math. 7 people a minute. 60 minutes. 420 victims an hour.

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Among states, Pennsylvania tied for 15th place for women, and ranked 25th place for men, in the lifetime prevalence of rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner. This is why we need your help.

Continue reading →

Communion Cup Confusion

Jul12

Preeeee-shusssss Lawd….take myyyyyy hannnnnd….leeeeead me onnnnn….let me stah-ha-hand….

The church drags on in unison as I peer out into the congregation from under the wide brim of my first-lady-has-to-be-big hat. My mind is racing like a paragraph with poor punctuation…. Is anyone really aware of the words that we are singing? Wait….is the usher chewing gum? I wish someone would pick that bible up off of the floor…why is my son under the pew….I sure hope I made enough copies of the flyer for next week, did we wish Sister Jenkins a Happy Birthday, she will certainly blame me if it’s not mentioned on the mike.

Whew I am sooo tired and it’s hot in here come on air conditioner get cold, thank God I was able to pay the electric bill yesterday ( had to pull over off of the highway to do it on the side of the road). Umphhh would we have issues today if the lights were off!!…huh? I just heard my name, my thoughts are interrupted as I hear the pastor announcing that I was working on some event flyer for something that I knew nothing about….pause….paste a smile on your face and nod your big hat in agreement (these are the instructions I give myself in my head)…*Sigh* Something else to do….Jesus it never ends!

Look at this mess going on in God’s house, communion Sunday and no supplies. Last month the ushers knew that allcommunioncups the cups were used, so wait until this Sunday to mention it.  These people wouldn’t pee on me if I was on fire but always have a big old smile for ‘paaaaassssstor’.  Look at him acting like it’s OK that we don’t have these supplies….all full of grace and asking ever so sweetly that they make sure that the communion supplies are here next week.  Ain’t this some mess? I dare not say anything about communion Sunday and no cups because then I get told how I have to have grace and mercy. Next will come the grumblings from a handful of members that sing the same old ‘she tries to take over everything’ song. Oh yeah….she being she-me-her. Pul-eeze! I don’t have enough to do with a full time job, children, a non-profit, church business, ministry work aaannndd a home to take care of.  I can’t address it, but I sure will be the one at the church supply store getting them dang cups just in case…..

So I know you are wondering what happened. Yup, while taking care of my family, working a full time job, working in ministry with my own calling and burdens, spending time with my children, grocery shopping…I stopped, just in case, at the church supply store. Sunday morning, the usher didn’t come to church AT ALL. No communion cups, no phone call….nothing. Hmph, Pastor Grace and Mercy would have been really looking dumb after announcing last Sunday that THIS Sunday we will have communion –  had ‘she’ (she being she-me-her) not gone to the store pulled three wrinkled dollars outta my purse and bought those stupid cups.

No one in the congregation knew the details, nor do I think they cared about the communion supplies, how they got there or who paid for them. But from under my brim as I peered out into the congregation, I could see that everyone was at ease because order was restored for (especially for those who need that scheduled communion on 1st Sunday).  I chastise myself, remember that I didn’t do anything without the awesome help of God and the sacrifice for MY sin was far greater than buying some plastic cups.

The point is that very few understands the responsibilities, the inner conflicts, the unwarranted judgement and hard work that comes with the “First Lady” title. As you pray for your pastor lift her up too. Take a moment and view the church as she sees it while peering out from Under her Brim.

YOU don’t Need to Pray

May31

While working one evening at the Domestic Violence shelter, one of the team members came and got me because there was a pastors wife that they wanted me to talk to. As an organization with government funding, naturally they are not allowed to speak on faith and religion; however as a volunteer, I could.

I left the office and went into the living room where I met this beautiful woman who had the kindest face and very soft voice. We made small talk after the introductions and she began to share with me how she finally got the nerve to leave her abusive husband, a church pastor and police officer. While some would stop here and say ‘oh my A-Prayer-For-Yougoodness! but a PASTOR?’, know that abusers are from all walks of life, socioeconomic statuses and professions. This didn’t come as a surprise to me. Preciouslyfe Ministries (now My Tattered Brim) was created because there was little discussion (if any) in the church about domestic violence. There were few safe places for the church members and leaders to say ‘I’m being abused’ where they could get help and not ridicule. The more I trained in DV counseling, the more I could identify and recognize the signs of abuse and would see evidence of it all around me, even in the church. Continue reading →

My Hat Doesn’t Fit

Apr29

As the First Lady you get called on to attend meetings. There is the meeting of the Women’s Ministry at your church, Mini-Hat1Ministers and Pastors Wives Meetings, District Women’s Meetings, State Women’s Ministry meetings….you get the point. If there is the word WOMEN in any ministry meeting title, there is a good chance that you are invited, expected or guilt-ed into attending.

Now don’t get me wrong, there have been some meetings that set a purpose, met it and I walked away blessed to have been there. But there have been some where I sat at a table, pen in hand and envisioned what their facial expressions would be as I imagine myself jumping on the table and screaming “WHY ARE WE HERE AND WHAT DOES THE SHINGLES HAVE TO DO WITH IT???”

I went to one of these meetings in the winter and because of how far it was my sister came along with me. It was cold outside and early on a Saturday so I jumped up, made sure the house was in order – who are we kidding, it was Saturday and there were four kids to ask ‘didjaeet (did you eat)??’  I put on my jeans, some knee boots, a decent sweater while grabbing my coffee saying goodbye and going out the door. I met-up with my dear sister (who has always been my roadie, no matter where I went once I got a drivers license, she would jump in the car and go with me to go to the moon) and we jumped on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

When we got to the church we descended down the stairs to join those already around the table and to my horror….many of the women were in their ‘Sunday go meeting’ outfits. Here’s me…jeans, boots and a leather jacket while these seasoned sisters were in full ‘church wear’ at 10 o’clock in the morning….a Saturday morning.

At first I was mortified in a quiet way. You KNOW there were icy looks, not loving sisters but judgmental biddies (that’s what I saw as they assessed my Saturday attire) but as I sat there I thought….they don’t know me! Then I started wondering ‘why am I here’ I giggled as I imagined them calling each other asking  “did you see what she had on?!”  That’s when I knew….my First Lady hat didn’t fit. Maybe it wasn’t that the hat didn’t fit, maybe I didn’t fit the mold that people had placed on the hat. Whatever!! I’m here now, dragged my sister out in the cold,  paid tolls on the Pennsylvania turnpike and got up early on a Saturday to be here so I participated in the meeting, took my ill-fitting Hat (in their eyes of course) and went home. That was one meeting that I never attended again but I still laugh at the looks peering at me from under the First Lady’s Brims.

Church is not for the Faint of Heart

Apr19

“C’mon, we’re going to be late” I heard blast through the house. “I’m COMING!!!!” (I screamed back). Good Grief! It’s easy for you to be on time. After I deal with getting the kids ready, can I have a moment to slip on some lip gloss for goodness sake.  – I gotta get these kids together without starting a third world war or it will be a looonnngggg service…..for me in the pew.

It was the Full Gospel Baptist Church Fellowship District meeting (or something like that) being held at a church in Chester, Philly, NJ….or somewhere that required an extended period of time with antsy kids in the car. Sunday School and Morning service at our church…run home, get some food together, grab a bite to eat, change the pants that a stain somehow jumped on my son,  replace the missing barrettes and re-braid my daughters hair, clean up and back on the road again to get there on time.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the Lord and worship is how I express my love; however, the Lord knows that I am exhausted every Sunday trying to be a worshiper and an attentive mother. I don’t want my children to disrupt the service or interrupt another worship so I sit on pins-and-needles….hoovering, watching, waiting to deal with a fidgety kid, a bathroom run, the loud “STOP IT!!’ when one touches another all while looking poised and together, follow the service and actually hearing a Word….I am WORN OUT.  Continue reading →

SOMEBODY SHAVE ME!!

Oct27

“mommy”….”Mooohhhhmmmmeeee”…..”MOHHHMMMMEEEEEE”!!!

were the increasingly loud whispers that (to my horror) were coming out of the mouth of my little angel…..in church. My almost 3 year old had seen enough, heard enough and was getting restless. Can’t say that I blame him and I really don’t expect his undivided attention to last for so long, but there were certain rules to Sunday Service that he and I had come to understand. Tapping my leg and ignoring my wide-eyed-lifted-eyebrow-teeth-bared-tight-lipped stare…was a violation of our agreement.

He could quietly color in his Sunday Book, draw on his tablet, reconfigure his Power Rangers…. shoot he could build a house if he was quite. For his quietness (even though I didn’t believe in food in the sanctuary, I would reward him with an occasional fruit snack or two. Continue reading →

The Tennis Match Under my Brim

Sep11

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…….There’s a storm out…..over the ocean….and it’s mooooovvvvvvinnng thisa way………if your souls not ankered in Jeee-suss, you will shorrrl-eeeee, drift aaaaa-waaaaaayyy.

That is what was being sang….but what I heard were nails screeching down a chalkboard. I mentally smacked my lips, there is always that one who wants to make a Luther ooooh-hoooo-hooooohhhh sound messing up the whole song. As soon as I thought it, I could feel my lips turn into a thin straight line with a ) on the end of it. Without saying a word, I heard the look on my friend’s face (let’s call her Helene). It was saying girl….get that stank look off of your face, the whole church can see you. 

My brain went back and forth in a conversation within my own thoughts as if in a tennis match…the spiritual man jumped in…my focus is supposed to be on God, not on the LutherWannaBe or Fake Patti LaBelle. Jesus, help me to focus on you. Serve – My flesh fought it (right in the pulpit!) yeah, it would be a lot easier to focus on God if this foolishness wasn’t flouncing around in front of you. The spiritual side returned the thought over the net with power…Jesus said if I be lifted up, I will draw all men unto me. Where does it say anything about the people? Nothing so ignore them and shift your focus.

While this tennis match is going on in my head….my facial expression CANNOT change. If a fly lands on my nose, I cannot flinch. I can’t blink and have to constantly tell all of the players in the tennis match not to mess with the face so that it could keep one look on it and not distract anyone in the congregation. With all that going on in your head, how in the heck are you supposed to receive a word?

Not to mention that it is most certainly a skill and Lord knows not my gift.  Anyone who knew me well could read me with a glance. It was nothing for me to rebuke my kids with an eyebrow lift while walking to the microphone, turning to Proverbs to read the scripture lesson. Unfortunately, those who don’t know you and have decided that they don’t like you will read all kinds of craziness into you just using a tissue to wipe your eye. So you quickly learn as a First Lady, that you are expected to glue a smile on your face and nod in agreement like a bobble-head doll on the dashboard of a Jeep bouncing through the mountains. Whatever is going on in your head, you need to learn how to keep that under your brim.

Dating Expert Claims Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely

Sep11

While migrating our posts from our other site to here, there was discussions about keeping this one or letting it go. As the Diva of the crew I said to keep it so that we can discuss what the ‘experts’ say in our Girlfriend Question of the Day section.

So here it is….what do you think. Is this true or false….

SOURCE (EURWEB) Dating expert, advice columnist and author Deborrah Cooper blasts traditional Black churches and charges that they are the root cause for the high numbers of single Black women in the U.S.

With all the media coverage (CNN, Nightline, NY Times, ABC) of the “plight” of the single black woman, and the blaming of Black women for being single, this author felt it past time to examine other reasons which could be important contributors to this sad statistic:

“Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced.

It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females.

Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!

This is the true reason that there are so many single, never married Black women in the United States – Black churches. Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.

Single Black Females in Church

Black females have long been considered the backbone of the Black community and the cornerstone of their families and churches. But what is the real price Black women have paid to wear this crown of fool’s gold?

An examination of any congregation of the average Black church shows that single Black females fill the pews. Results of a recent study “African Americans and Religion” by the PEW Research Center’s Forum on Religion and Public Life found that “African Americans are markedly more religious on a variety of measures than the U.S. population as a whole.”

Almost 90% of Black Americans express “absolutely certain belief in God” compared to just over 70% of the total U.S. population. Two other important statistics gleaned from this survey: (1) 80% of Black Americans report that religion is “very important” in their lives as compared to 57% of the general U.S. population; and (2) 55% of Black Americans report that they “interpret scripture literally” as compared to 32% of the general U.S. population.

The PEW study also reported that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation. Nearly one-in-five men say they have no formal religious affiliation, compared with roughly 13% of women.”

The survey shows a distinct correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. “African Americans who are more religiously observant (as defined by frequency of worship service attendance and the importance of religion in their lives), are more likely to oppose abortion and homosexuality, and more likely to report higher levels of conservative ideology.”

What Do The PEW Study Results Mean For Single Black Women?

They mean that:

  • Following the tenets of organized religion is not going to get you anywhere because men are generally not religious.
  • Going to church is not getting you the husband you seek.
  • Going to church is not making you more attractive and interesting to men.
  • Going to church is not where you are going to find eligible bachelors to date.
  • Going to church is not going to teach you to be fiscally responsible, investment savvy, or empower you to achieve greatness as a woman.
  • Going to church is not going to broaden your horizons, make you more tolerant and accepting of all God’s children, nor is it going to encourage you to be free of the chains of patriarchy and oppression of your feminine energy.

Going to church makes you a sheep, blindly following the mandates of a small group of men you have placed in your life in a position of power. Going to church makes you malleable and predictable, and narrows your thinking and thus limits your options.

Going to church for single Black women is a waste of time.

There ARE Single Men in Church, However…”