As the years go by I’ve learned the Holiday trio (Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Year) can be depressing. Stress, illness, addiction, financial woes and other challenges don’t go away because it’s the holiday season. Meanwhile the holidays heighten the expectation that we should be kind (if not oozing the Norman Rockwell painting-ish kinda love) to all around us. Continue reading
Archive by Author | Under Her Brim
This Caused 3 Women to Die Today
Many people don’t know that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month – even though 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime and an average of 3 women die every day at the hands of a current or former intimate partner. My Tattered Brim (Preciouslyfe) is a 501c3 organization dedicated to supporting survivors of Domestic Violence by helping to answer the question ‘I’m out of my abusive environment-now what?’. We provide support, education, life skills training and assistance in the navigation of resources of other Domestic Violence agencies we partner with as survivors rebuild their lives. Continue reading
Forgiveness is not a Fluffy Cloud
There was a time that I thought some things were absolutely unforgivable. There was an imaginary scale in my head that weighed the offense and eked out the level of forgiveness 
that it was worthy of. I justified my right to own the hatred that I felt for my abusive ex-boyfriend. He had taken enough so I was not willing to give him any more of me, including my forgiveness. My angry mind rationalized that forgiveness would send a message that his actions were OK, even when my reality mind knows that notion isn’t true.
What I have come to grips with is that forgiveness is not an endorsement nor is it a hug wrapped in rainbows, fluffy clouds and harp music. Forgiveness is not a warm fuzzy feeling that puts you in the mindset of running through a field of flowers, smiling with the sun beaming as if you were singing about the hills being alive in the Sound of Music. In spite of how it feels, forgiveness is a choice.
I have heard it said that forgiveness is setting someone free and freedom is not what I wanted for this person. The truth of the matter is that the real prisoner was me. I was holding myself captive. I stayed bound in my anger where I was insulated from being in any situation where I could be hurt in anyway. I’ve become 
hypersensitive, acutely aware and ready to protect my children and me from the slightest external infraction. When looking at life through the lens of this seething anger, you see threats everywhere. A person in a store line accidentally stepping on my daughters foot required quick action to protect her when it was just an accident.
For years I was full of hatred and rage for not only my abuser but also memories of my mothers. I vowed to break the cycle and never have my children, sisters or brothers, nieces or nephews be victims of abuse. Un-forgiveness held me prisoner. The person that I have wished a house to fall on kept on living his life, unaware and probably apathetic to the depth of my hurt, anger and bitterness. To truly be an example, I’ve learned that I need to follow the ultimate example. God himself asks us to forgive those who have wronged us. (Colossians 3:13) Nowhere did I read it was an easy thing to do. As I’ve 
committed to the hard work of forgiveness, releasing my abuser and the dark, ugly pit of anger has made room for the beautiful things like joy, peace, love and gratitude. While forgiveness isn’t always easy it is worth the effort as I reclaim my freedom Under my Tattered Brim.
How to Master the Art of Small Talk with One Question
Reposted with permission from the fabulous author, Gigi Rodgers The original post here.
We hate it when other people do it to us, but then we turn around and do the same thing to someone else:
“Hey, what’s your name?…Cool, so what brought you here today?…You know the host. Cool….So what do you do?…Oh okay…And where is that at?…That commute through the tunnel must be brutal”…
Ad nauseum.
It’s basically a ping pong match of arbitrary questions and unenthusiastic short answers, and all you’re trying to do is not crash and burn into awkward silence.
So I decided to step away from this vicious cycle and try something different. It’s astonishingly simple. I’m going to give you one question to ask colleagues, coworkers, or strangers at any social event, that will instantly engage them into conversation, and most likely, make you the most memorable person in the room.
THE ONE QUESTION TO RULE THEM ALL:
Whether you are at a networking event or a BBQ — you walk up to the person or group, you do the introductions and get settled in, make eye contact with one person in the group (and I mean look into their optic stems), and warmly ask them this question:
So tell me, what made you happy this week?
The reactions to expect from them: They’re taken aback by the question — their eyes will widen for a second. They smile and look up as they recap their past week. Good signs! And I can GUARANTEE you that everyone else had a similar reaction and are thinking about their past week searching for that “moment” as well.
THE EASY PART:
You’ve dropped the bomb, they’re getting over the pleasant shock, and they’re now thinking of a statement that has a story behind it.
Note: There is ALWAYS a story behind it.
So now comes the easy part — you listen. And just so you know the ratio is about 90% listening/10% of questions. You’ll notice that when they tell their story, if it’s something that truly made them happy, their body language is different. They have a big smile on their face, they’re talking with their hands a lot, there’s fluctuations in their voice, their energy is amplified, and sometimes the phone gets pulled out so they can provide you with visuals.
They are fully engaged in telling their story — doing impressions and more. And it can be something small to you and the group, but it was a win for them.
With this one question, you were able to find out what excites them to the core — quickly! Now use that as your springboard.
They’re done telling you their story. You were LISTENING. Take a beat to make sure they’re done. Now ask questions about what you just heard.
Example (true story — group setting at a cocktail event. Don’t know these people.)
Them: What made me happy this week? I finally got a chance to put my first coat of stain on the boat I’m building. It’s looking beautiful. I’m finally going to have it ready to hit the water in a WEEK!
Me: Excuse me Ron Swanson, you built a boat?! That’s amazing! First, what kind of boat is it and second, where do you start?! Did you chop down a tree and then hollow it out? I need input sir.
This conversation went on for a while and others within the group jumped in with questions as well (how did you get into it? have you built others? I assume it’s for fishing, what do you fish?). He was excited to explain, because it’s obviously something he loves to do, and the group was curious because…he built a boat! Most people mow their lawn on the weekend. This guy built a boat!
The questions segue wayed into other aspects of his outdoor life that were relatable to others within the group — and candid conversation ensued. Hazzah!
Most people don’t get a chance to talk about the events in their lives that they are really passionate about. Give them the platform to revel in this opportunity.
THE BOOMERANG
You might make it to one other person within the group with the question before they throw it back on you candidly, “So what made you happy”?
Because it’s your question, you will have 2–3 stories ready to roll. And you will be just as enthusiastic about the story and ready for your Q&A as your colleagues when they told their story. You got this ace!
Note: If nothing made you happy that day or week (bummer!), don’t be afraid to go back to last week, or the week before that. If you have to go back further than that — you might want to think about some lifestyle changes.
Down the line, whether you bump into that person later on in the night or 6 months from now, even if they don’t remember your name, they’ll remember your story.
People can’t help but be drawn to the power of narrative and the positive association they had with you.
THE EXIT PLAN
You’ve talked to everyone, had a few laughs, and are ready to move on. Some ways to politely leave the group:
“Oh, excuse me. I see some (food) that’s calling my name.”
“I see someone over there I haven’t spoken to in while. You folks enjoy yourself, excuse me.”
“Oh, I see someone I have to introduce you to. Come on.”
THE WRAP UP
In the end, remember it’s about making a connection with other individuals. Step away from the small talk that is mundane, superficial, and overall awkward. This is your opportunity to meet new people, learn something new, make a fantastic first impression, and possibly make a new friend. With this in mind, keep it real, keep it authentic, and have some fun!
BONUS — LOW HANGING FRUIT
Who can you practice this technique on?
You walk into a room where you know nobody. Your partner in conversation leaves to go find drinks. As soon as they step away, that’s when you scan the room and look for the “low hanging fruit” — the person who looks the most uncomfortable in the room. It could be that they’re an introvert or wall flower, they don’t know what to say when they walk up to a person or group beyond “Hey! So what do you do?”, or a plethora of other reasons.
Go rescue them. They’ll be grateful.
I’ll be My Own Number One
There are days when you wake up and have to be like David and encourage yourself. Not
because you don’t have an awesome other half that listens to you whine, encourages and holds you up when you are feeling down and deflated. No matter how you try to shake it you see evidence of the irritation(s) everywhere you look. Each sign making the tear in the irk fabric larger and larger until its a deep, dark, empty hole. Continue reading
I Speak A New Language – porque soy más del 40!!
I work for an organization where some of my colleagues speak many languages. It is an enviable ability that has had me wish I really paid attention when Senior Fazinni was teaching my Spanish class, at least to recall more than a few phrases. The one that I still remember and used most – ¿puedo ir al baño so I could find a study hall to socialize in. I’m ashamed but confession is good for the soul. Hola NAHS clase de 89!! Continue reading
The Big Reveal!!
Walking on the Boardwalk at the shore….and came across this gem. Go ahead and look at it again…I’ll wait. Did you peep (as my kids would say)? The irony got my attention and made me stop to snap a picture. It wasn’t the lovely red and blue letters covering every inch of space on the banner screaming it’s message, nor was it the oh-so-pristine & ornate security gate that made me share this with you all (you’re welcome). As I giggled and sent it to my fellow sarcastic/ironic/blooper loving friends (Heeyy Opod, PJ and TeeDubb) I thought of an expression that would make the perfect caption for this picture if this was the picture of a person. ‘When people show you who they are, believe them’ – The cautionary advice given by the great Dr. Maya Angelou in these nine simple words carry an often ignored wisdom. Look at the picture again. Clearly the gate is down but we know without even witnessing it, some genius walked up, read the sign, saw the gate down & lights off and still looked for another door on the side or out back to go inside, after all it’s NEVER CLOSED!!.
Teachings from Miranda Priestly
Who is Miranda Priestly you ask? Who. Is. Miranda?! — First, me get this out of the way: Yeaaaahhh I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated whats been going on Under this Brim. Forgive me, I have taken on a new challenge….school. Mommy always says ‘You are never to old to learn or never to young to teach’…lies. There are differences in adult learning and the youth learning…but we’ll whip out our course notes from WhereEver University & commiserate on that subject later.
Let’s learn a thing or two from one of my fave movies….The Devil Wears Prada. This movie is about 10 years old and I can tell you that the one liners are still used today. In summary Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) is an icon revered in the fashion industry. Her new assistant Andrea (Ann Hathaway) has much more to learn other than what Miranda wanted for lunch…If you have not seen it go see the movie, come back and tell me I’m wrong. If you are an Miranda Priestly fan….you will want to get your snack, take notes and read on. Continue reading
Hello?
I once heard that dreams are like grapes on a vine – if they don’t get nurtured to grow they dry up and turn into raisins. I say that is true about almost anything….relationships, careers, goals (fill-in-the-blank-with-your-word-here) and so on and so on. Continue reading
True Story
There is truly never a dull moment when you look at each day as an adventure. Continue reading
Under Her Brim 