The loud rushing sound in my ears was deafening.  I had to find it,  have to make that noise stop, have to find it so that it can just be QUIET!!!  I looked around the apartment, checked the refrigerator, the tv….no. Is it coming from outside? Maybe traffic on Upsal Street, there is a bus route here?  I check out of the windows…across the street at the other apartment complex….nothing. What in the hell is it??! Then it dawned on me that it was the sound the blood rushing through my body as I practically hyperventilated from the frantic search coupled with the schizophrenic beating of my heart.

His words were still bouncing around the apartment doing as much damage to me emotionally as if bullets were ricocheting and damaging the walls…..I’m leaving you. WHAT? I don’t know anyone here?! My family’s all pissed off because I moved and NOW he wants to leave? I can’t afford this place on my own? No one is really speaking to me. I could still feel the frozen look on my face as if botox injections had me stuck onhuh-nikka what???, as my brain went into overdrive trying to figure out what I did wrong.

My mouth open and closed soundlessly as a fish out of water, desperately gasping for air and then the sound….that deafening sound took over. I must look so stupid….but I love him! Looking at him from under my tattered brim the sound started to make sense, that sound that I wanted to silence….was the sound of my world crashing down around me as the only anchor I knew….was again threatening to pull away.